Grief and Loss: You Are Not Alone
That you are not alone
I am here with you
Though you’re far away
I am here to stay
But you are not alone
From the song: You Are Not Alone-Michael Jackson
The loss of a dear loved one, either through death or separation, provides for one of the most painful occurrences ever experienced in one’s lifetime. And whether this loss was anticipated as with a long-term illness, or sudden, as with a catastrophic event, it seems that the sadness, shock, hurt, anger, and feelings of discouragement will never go away.
In the late 1960s, Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined five stages of grief, or DABDA, in her book, On Death and Dying, which was based off of her research and observations when working with terminally ill clients and their families. DABDA is an acronym that stands for:
Denial-which encompasses feelings of shock, fear, avoidance, and confusion.
Anger-which entails anxiety, irritation, or frustration.
Bargaining-in which one attempts to find meaning, to tell their story, and may make promises that if the situation improves one will be, and/or do better.
Depression- where one may feel despair, and/or experience feeling overwhelmed, sad, and/or helpless.
Acceptance- as in coming to terms with the loss and exploring options for the future.
As the stages of grief offers hope in terms of conceptualizing, quantifying, and making sense of the myriad of confusing emotions felt and processed during this time, also gaining the understanding that managing the experiences of grief and loss are not always linear and timeline dependent may be of value as well. One may vacillate between stages, experience one, two, a few, or all stages over the course of a few weeks, months, or even years.
Coping with the wave of emotions that are expected after a significant loss dictates that a personalized self-care mantra be adopted to get through the tough times:
Understanding that the wide range of seemingly labile emotional reactions are normal grief responses that one should intentionally move toward and embrace.
Understanding that the overwhelming negative intensity of feelings will change and most often wane over time.
Understanding the benefits of seeking out and facilitating supportive connections.
Understanding and anticipating Anniversary Reactions, where intense feelings may resurface surrounding anniversaries, birthdays, and other significant dates of lost loved ones.
Understanding that triggers for intense emotions may come in the form of sights, sounds, and smells from a variety of sources.
Understanding the importance of self-care in terms of maintaining healthy eating, exercise, and rest patterns.
Understanding that the loss may present a unique opportunity for personal, social, emotional, and relational re-invention of self through the adaptation or refinement of positive coping skills.
Grief and loss processing is expected to ebb and flow as one proceeds on the path toward healing. However, there are notable signs to be cognizant of that would indicate that some extra support is warranted:
If the grieving process prevents the participation in regular activities of daily living for prolonged periods of time.
If the grieving process invites prolonged self-isolation.
If the grieving process produces a prolonged decline in physical health status, such as alterations in dietary and sleep patterns, and weight fluctuations.
Knowing that grief and loss processing is an unchartered journey that may present several twists and turns along the way, as a sense of wholeness is desired. But also knowing that this process will ultimately result in a renewed personal insight that will be well worth the work required to get to the other side.
Leanora Gray, CMHC Intern